So it's happened....

I figure since my last post was about my dying grandma, I should extend an update.

She passed away just a few days after I wrote that.

She had many of her family members there at the house with her and went peacefully.

The wake and funeral were beautiful and it was so good to see all of my family that has scattered across the country the past few years. Almost all of my cousins made it in and my aunts and uncles.

We all had such wonderful memories of growing up together and playing together at Grandma's house. In Grandma's basement. At Grandma's cottage.

I love those memories.

My Grandma

My grandma is dying. She's not sick; she's just old.

My grandpa (her husband) was sick with cancer many years ago. I remember about a week before my 16th birthday I thought it was strange that the entire family came to visit him. I didn't know that it was arranged so that we could all say one last good-bye.

My grandma has spent the past few years in Arizona with my aunt. Maybe about six months or so ago she came back to Illinois and my mom (and her siblings) choose a nursing home for her. My mom took her out of the nursing home and brought her home with her and hired a 24 hour care-taker.

This past weekend my mom has begun calling family and letting them know they should come and visit. Grandma hasn't eaten anything since Saturday. Her kidneys aren't producing. And she's been sleeping a lot.

I took the boys to go and visit today and she seemed to be in good spirits. She called Liam "fat" (for lack of being able to think of the proper word for saying he's grown so much). She told Quinn to be a good boy. And she asked how I was feeling. We talked about medicine and how it's helping us all feel a bit better with this weather. She seemed at peace - not in any pain.

My mom has had a chaplan out and is arranging for a priest to come (Grandma is Catholic, my mom is not). My dad said the chaplan was singing to my grandma.

Death is such a strange event - yet such a normal part of life.

My grandma sat next to my grandpa as he passed away.

I'm glad my mom brought Grandma home with her.

I'm glad my boys weren't afraid to see her and talk to her. This is an important stage of life that I want them to understand as much as they can. (Of course, I still don't understand as much as I want to about the end of life.)

I'm glad I got to see and talk to her.

Flowers on my Grave

The other day in the car Quinn says, "Mom, when you and Dad die I'll come and put flowers by your grave."

He's been a bit curious about death lately/for quite awhile now. Wondering how many more years until his Great-Grandmas pass away. Making "smart guesses" as to which one will die first. Wondering if it will hurt when he dies. Trying to understand how souls can go to Heaven, but the broken bodies stay in the ground.

Although I've given tips and tricks for talking to your kids about death - this topic is never easy. It has turned into many different discussions - my favorite being the one where we tried to explain that when your body is badly hurt (like in a car accident) it produces endorphines that stop the pain messages from getting to your brain - so no, it probably wouldn't hurt to die like that.

We don't like to not answer his questions - and we don't try to get out of the conversation, but I never knew that having a child who liked to think could be so difficult!

Tips and Tricks: Talking About Death

Perhaps the worst thing we can do as parents is to avoid the topic of death with our children. Eventually, like it or not, somebody (or some pet) that your child knows and/or loves will die. That's just the way it works.

Before your child needs to experience this first hand, it is important for them to be familiar about the topic of death and what it actually means. This can be accomplished through songs, books, and even movies (careful - some Disney movies make it seem as if somebody is dead, but then, voila! a spell is broken and they are fine, just fine. This can be very confusing for a child.).

Here are some terms for helping children understand death. (I only suggest only using these terms if a child starts asking questions. There is no need to sit down for dinner tonight and talk about death - unless of course, you've just read a book where somebody or some pet dies and your child is curious.)

Physical death - death of a body; the body stops walking, doesn't eat, doesn't hurt, doesn't poop anymore.

If somebody in your child's life does die, it's important to:

• use the word "Dead". Make sure you do not say "lost" or "past on"
• make sure the child knows the person that died doesn't hurt.
• make sure they know the following - death is irreversible, permanent, painless
• let/encourage your child to ask questions
• have books about death and be sure to have read them already (list below)
• let children participate in closure/help set up ending practices
• allow children to grieve in their own way
• share feelings with your child (it's OKAY to be sad in front of children)
• provide support for your child
• maintain the child's daily routine
• death can be a celebration
• remember it is not the age of the child when deciding if the child should attend a funeral service, but rather the relationship between the child and the deceased.
• answer honestly when asked if you are going to die. "No, I'm not going to die right now."
• establish memories ("This is the first birthday since your father died.")

Talk about death before it happens. Some people avoid books where people or pets die - I seek them out. One of Quinn's favorite books is "Tough Boris". It's a great little book about a tough pirate - who's so tough, but then his parrot dies, and the pirate cries, and cries, and cries. He was familiar with this book before our dog died and asked me to read it many times afterwards. Here's a list of other books that are appropriate for young children.

• Tough Boris - Mem Fox
• Wilfred Gordon MacDonald Partridge - Mem Fox
• Sophie - Mem Fox
• You Hold Me and I'll Hold You - Jo Carson
• Old Pig - Margaret Will
• Go Tell Aunt Rhody - Aliki
• Everett Anderson's Goodbye - Lucille Clifton
• Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs - Tomie dePaola
• Miss Tizzy - Libba Moore Gray
• Remember Me - Margaret Wild
• Still My Grandma - V. Van Den abbeete
• The Goodbye Boat - Mary Joslin

As well as reading, there are many songs that talk about death. One of my personal favorites is "Go Tell Aunt Rhody". Sometimes Quinn will ask me to sing that one to him as I'm tucking him into bed.

Children's Understanding of Death (stages)

Stage I (ages 2-4) - At this stage children don't believe death is final. It is temporary and reversible. They attempt to equate it with something they know (sleep, parents going on vacation, etc.) They are more interested in what death means right now (person is never coming bac) rather than how it happened.

Stage II (ages 4 - 10) - Children at this stage understand that everything that lives will die, although they may or may not apply this to themselves. This is fine and normal. They play many imaginary games like ghost, superheroes, and role play in an attempt to understand death and to deal with their fears. Children will often play dead and pretend to have funerals and other practices (if they are familiar with this).

Stage II (ages 10...) - At this stage, children understand that death is personal, inevitable, universal and final. They may have fears related to this understanding. At all ages, part of the fear of death, for children, is that they will be separated from their parents.

*Much of this information was gathered from workshops given by Tom Hunter and Bev Bos. And for any of my readers in Southern California, Bev Bos is an amazing women, with an amazing preschool in Roseville. I encourage you to check it out, fall in love, and sign up for the waiting list.

The goslings are crying...

Go tell Aunt Rhody
Go Tell Aunt Rhody
Go Tell Aunt Rhody
The old grey goose is dead.

The one that she's been savin'
The one that she's been savin'
The one that she's been savin'
To make a feather bed.

She died in the millpond
She died in the millpond
She died in the millpond
From standin' on her head.

The goslins are crying
The goslins are crying
The goslins are crying
Because their mammy's dead.

The gander is weeping
The gander is weeping
The gander is weeping
Because his wife is dead

He taught me that it's okay to sing songs or read books about death to children. He introduced me to what became Quinn's favorite book after Maggie died. He touched more children with his songs and inspiration than he probably realized. I found out today that Tom Hunter was diagnosed with Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease, soon after ending a 30 year gig of speaking to teachers and helping us use more music in our classrooms in order to take on the challenge of being a Minister at his local church. He took his last breath on June 20th while his family was there singing "The Garden Song". I will always remember him as I sing some of his favorite songs with my preschoolers and Quinn and Liam.

The Garden Song

Inch by inch, row by row
Gonna make this garden grow
Gonna mulch it deep and low
Gonna make it fertile ground
Inch by inch, row by row
Please bless these seeds I sow
Please keep them safe below
'Till the rain comes tumbling down
Pullin' weeds and pickin' stones
We are made of dreams and bones
Need a place to call my own
'Cause the time is close at hand
Grain for grain, sun and rain
Find my way in nature's chain
Till my body and my brain
Tell the music of the land

Someone else singing another version of The Garden Song go here.