Diet Pop, Cigarettes, Cancer, and Guilt

As soon as she could, my sister would step outside to have a smoke. She loved the extended layover we had in St. Louis, because there, in that airport, they have smokers' lounges. As soon as we'd get off the airplane, she head outside for her fix. As soon as she'd wake up in the morning, she'd head out to my aunts patio for her fix. After lunch - she'd head outside. After a long drive - she'd stay outside for a bit. Before going to bed, she'd head outside for one last cigarette.

I like my Diet Pepsi. It's got zero calories, enough caffeine to get me through the day, and it doesn't taste that bad either.

Every morning, while I was enjoying my one can for the day, my mom would remind me how bad that stuff is for me. The fake sweetener. She'd remind me of those in my family with various forms of cancer and how she truly believes that since those women were so hooked on their diet pop, that the diet pop had something to do with their cancer. And deep down, I agree with her. I don't like that I need to have a diet pop to get me going in the morning. I don't like that I can't pronounce the stuff in the ingredients. I don't like that it's not natural. And I've never believed it to be good for me.

But what just got to me was the fact that while I'm listening to my mom talk to me about how bad that stuff is for me, my sister would be on the other side of the sliding glass door enjoying her cigarette in peace.

I like to believe it's because she loves me more. But it's probably because my sister has heard it all before.

I had a diet pop every morning of our trip. Since being home, I've probably had a total of 2 cans. I've switched over to coffee. Coffee with lots of sugar and flavored cream, but no fake sweetener. I guess after 31 years, my mom still knows how to watch out for me.

Dear Maggie,

I'll never forget the first time I met you. You were such a happy little puppy (and you peed on me you were so excited)! You were the first dog that was mine, all mine. I was responsible for feeding you, taking care of you, and training you. You came with me everywhere. First we lived with my parents (how fun was that?) and then a summer with my sister. Oh - you had so much fun with her evil cat. The two of you would actually work together to kill those pesky flies by the door. The cat would jump up, swat the fly down, and then you'd gobble it up!

I didn't think I'd need to make the decision I made today so quickly. I thought for sure I'd have weeks of thinking about it. Weeks of watching you struggle with your hips. And then, I'd decide. I'd decide to take you back to my mom and dad's house. I'd decide to have the neighborhood vet come and "put you to sleep" to ease your pain. But that's not how it happened. You started getting sick a few weeks ago. Not eating. Vomitting. Very similar to how you acted the one time you ate 8 of my dad's socks and had to have a surgery to take 3 of them out. Except not everything looked the same. The x-rays showed no blockage, but a strange shadow-type thing. And then, all of a sudden you were eating again. And pooping! Oh the pooping meant there was no blockage. I've never been so excited to pick up your poop before in my life. But then all of a sudden you started not eating again. And only vomitted once. I was just a little worried until you choose to lay outside in the drizzle-rain all day, and then in the sun the next day. You didn't want to be bothered. Didn't want to be pet. And it was then that I knew you were very sick. I took you back to the vet today and learned that you've lost almost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. Over 20% of your body weight. That strange shadow we saw? A tumor, most likely cancer because of the rapid weight lost and change in personality.

You were always such a good dog. A good puppy. When we brought home our first baby you welcomed him with open paws and would lay near him whenever someone new came to visit. When we brought home our second baby you were so excited. Sniffing and wagging your tail. You used to keep me company in the middle of the night while I fed that baby. You'd come into the room and lay right by my feet until I was finished. Then, you'd get up and go back to bed with me. Thank you for that. It was nice not to feel so lonely in the middle of the night.

Quinn is going to miss you. He loved throwing your toys for you to fetch and would get so excited when you brought them back to him - thank you for doing that. You really made him feel like a big boy. He just recently started to really get a kick out of being able to open the doors to let you out or in. "I'll get her. I'll get Maggie. There you go Maggie. Go on. Good Girl." he'd say.

I'm going to miss you. I've told you so many secrets and you've been there for me through so much. You were such a good listener - thank you for that.

Thank you for everything. I imagine you're in peace now. No more pain (hips, stomach, or otherwise). And I want you to know that it's okay. We'll be okay without you. We miss you and love you.

Love,

Momma

Getting Lost

I've been getting lost in the internet for the past week or so. I started out here: http://www.lyonsfamily.org/ then went here: http://www.jaymun.com/journal/2007_09_13/post20070913D.shtml
While there, I clicked on the picture of little Jaymun at six months (Liam's age): http://www.jaymun.com/family/familyTHREE.shtml (click on week 23 and 24) and started to cry.
Today I found this one: http://www.brycedbrown.com/journal/

Sometimes I get lost and find some random blogs about everyday life. New babies, new jobs, old jobs, complaints about little things like long lines and other drivers. This week it's been a sad trip. My friend from work starts her chemo treatment this week. Her spirit reminds me a lot of Julie and she has a sister with that same name.