Twelve Hours

For the past few weeks Liam has insisted on sitting completely upright when I sing him a song and rock him before bedtime. It breaks my heart not to have him lay his head on me and relax. He sits straight up, smiles, leans into me, gives me kisses, giggles, all while I continue singing and rocking.

Today was a very trying day for me as a parent. After over twelve hours of battling Quinn and his Never Ending Whining, Pouting, Stomping of the Feet, and Overall Bad Attitude I was very close to my rope's end once again. Actually, I'm pretty sure I was hanging on by a thread, but barely. Mike was out working on that darn truck all day and ran out again after dinner, clearly unaware of my signs of near defeat. (Or perhaps nearing that point as well, since he was also battling Quinn's Overall Bad Attitude on and off all day.) Anyway, after over twelve hours of parenting today it was time for me to put Liam to bed.

I could feel the tears and the sadness creeping up on me while Liam enjoyed a sippy cup of formula on my lap in the living room. I could feel regret as I snapped at Quinn, "Look down. The book. Right there. Give. it. to. me."

Once I made it into Liam's room to rock him and sing him a song I could no longer hold back the tears. I tried to sing through it, but could barely make it. Then, Liam looked at me, patted my chest, and put his head on me. He laid there while I (barely) sang "Snuggle Puppy". I sang that song at least 3 times with his head on me, his body relaxed, and his big eyes looking up at me. When I'd have to stop singing because singing would make me want to cry a big ugly loud cry - he'd look up and give me a big smile. I'm amazed at his reaction to my emotions.

After I had finally finished with Liam he gave me a big hug and a kiss. I laid him down in his crib, he rolled over, and drifted off to sleep.

I headed into Quinn's room (which is where I send him while I'm getting Liam prepped for bed - he works on puzzles or plays with his train tracks in there and is usually more quiet then when out here with us). My eyes were still filled with tears, but I didn't want to leave Quinn in there alone. I laid on his bed to watch him finish up one of his big floor puzzles. He looked at me, smiled, and came right over and gave me a big kiss. And then he said, "Hi Mommy. Did you come in here to watch me do my puzzle? I'm really good at this one. After this one do you want to help me do the dinosaur puzzle? That one is hard, but we can do it good together." I smiled and was able to manage a, "Sure Quinn-bin, that's a good idea."

I'm not sure why it is I'm so sad today. I woke up in a sour mood with thoughts of a post titled "Why Do I Have To..." with a list of all the things I seem to be in charge of around this house. But then I read some amazing news over at Jaymun's Journey. I'm not sure if you believe in miracles or not, but I swear just over a month ago the doctors were talking about making Jaymun comfortable during his last few weeks with his family and now? There's no cancer showing in his blood right now! Amazing, isn't it. And so I read this news and thought - I really need to stop focusing on all the bad right now...making a list of everything I have to do but don't want to do will just make the anger grow. So I let it go (sort of). But then later today, I continued through the blogworld and read some heartbreaking news over at Christie and Darren's. They're not sure what is wrong with their little boy, but his white blood cell count is way too low. Reading the post about the hospital visit and all of the tests they had done just broke my heart - not only for Henry, but for Christie. I know all too well what it's like to watch as doctors and nurses prod your baby all in the name of medicine. That is so hard for a mom to deal with - and you need to be so strong. I still remember driving home from the ER with Liam with tears running down my cheeks and sobbing the loud ugly cry. And so reading about their new "adventure" with Henry really gave me a quick attitude adjustment. Okay - so message taken. But wait. It doesn't end there. This last post I read today just really got to me. I think the combination of knowing that I've been angry all day with everything that I have to do in this house and that somewhere there's a mother who CANNOT be there for her five children right now is what pushed me over the edge.

I am lucky. I am lucky to have two healthy kids and I am lucky to be healthy enough to take care of them.

Of course just because I'm lucky - doesn't make days like today any easier.