It's Not That I Don't Have Enough Love

This morning I took the boys to the sprinkler park again where I sat and helped Liam avoid the water at all costs and put rocks in his bucket and watched Quinn run around with the millions of other kids whose moms or babysitters or teachers were hoping for a nice long afternoon nap reward for taking their kids to the sprinkler park. But that's not all I did. I also watched all the little girls - running and screaming - in their swimsuits. Their cute swimsuits - one pieces, two pieces, pink, red, blue, yellow, purple, rainbow colored swimsuits. And I yearned for a little girl. It's not the first time I've yearned for a little girl. Sometimes I yearn for one while watching a mom shop with her teenage daughter for a prom dress, or when I see a dad carry his little girl on his shoulders, or when I think back to how much I looked up to my big brothers. Sometimes I think if I could be certain that my next baby would be a girl I would have another child in a heartbeat, or well, in nine months, I suppose.

Later this morning I took Quinn to the doctor because he was complaining that his neck hurt. His neck hurt so bad that he started crying this morning and I told him we'd go to the doctor so she could look at it, but first I asked him where does it hurt. And he pointed to each side and said, but not here, on the inside it hurts. It hurts on the inside. So I did what any mother would do, I pushed right where he pointed and he yelled, "Hey! Why did you do that? Don't do that again." So I didn't, instead I called the doctor and made an appointment. The doctor looked and felt around. She felt that his lymphnodes were swollen and was surprised that he didn't have any symptoms of having a cold. She said this could be the first symptom of him getting a cold. She also said if he's still complaining about it or if I still feel them in 2 to 3 weeks I should call her and she'll order an ultrasound just to check things out.

And although at times I yearn for another baby, girl or boy, I don't think I can do it. Sure, I have enough love, we'd find a way to afford it, we'd find room in our tiny house, we'd make it work. What I don't think I have, however, is enough of whatever it is that helps me cope with the worry. The worry I have for each of my boys sometimes takes over me and makes me just want to cry as I think of all the whatifs and wonder how I would handle it. And then that same worry makes me overjoyed with the fact that they are in fact healthy. But I don't think I could possibly handle having another one to worry about - I think if I had another child my brain would quite possibly explode with all the thoughts of worry running around up there.

And so for now we'll leave it as it is. Me and my 3 boys and my moments of worry, which are usually followed by moments of happiness and relief that everything is, in fact, just fine.