How to Get Free Meals! And Free Desserts!

Option One:
Go to a restaurant just one week after their Big Opening.
Have a seat and order drinks. (one beer, one water, and one milk)
Order food. (one appetizer, two adult meals, and one kids' meal)
Sit there as the inexperienced waitress spills 2 pints of beer on your husband.
Watch as over 10 people rush over to clean up the mess.
Comfort your crying baby.
Assure your child that it's okay.
Watch as your husband tells 'em it's okay. He doesn't need a new shirt.
Insist that he takes the damn shirt.
Listen to the manager appoligize over and over and say, "we'll take care of you."
Eat your meal and enjoy the extra attention, "Can we get you anything else?"
Try to figure out a proper tip when the total included only two adult meals and nothing else.
Option One requires only 60 minutes.

Option Two:
Go to a restaurant that has been opened awhile, but arrive well before the dinner rush.
Order drinks (one beer, one iced tea, and one milk)
Order food (cheese pizza for the kiddo, Jambalaya, and one "house burger, with no mushrooms")
When asked, "no mushrooms, but you're okay with the onions?" Reply, "yeah, no mushrooms, but yes to the onions."
Wait FOREVER for the food to arrive.
Continue waiting and suggest that your husband takes the kiddo to the bathroom to 1. walk around a little, 2. go potty, and 3. wash his hands.
While in the bathroom have the kiddo go throw his paper towel away only to have the bathroom door hit him in the leg by the Chef!
Return to table and continue WAITING.
While waiting keep the baby happy by taking him out of the high chair and allowing him to crawl/cruise around (since the place is pretty empty).
Finally get food and take one bite.
Taste a mushroom.
Look through your burger and find a TON of mushrooms and NO onions.
Converse with your husband about the cons of sending it back - mainly - the WAITING.
Decide to keep it.
On the waiters first return say, "Um, there's mushrooms on my burger and no onions. No, I don't want to wait to send it back, I'm just disappointed." and be told, "I can comp. that."
Only to have the waiter return in a few minutes and say, "Oh, and the Chef wants to do something for the little guys, since I guess something happened in the bathroom. He'd like to give them both a free dessert."
Go ahead, finish your dinner (after picking off the mushrooms).
Order dessert.
and WAIT. and WAIT some more.
Enjoy dessert (ice cream sundae for the kiddo and one big ol' piece of carrot cake for you and your husband and freeze-dried fruits for the baby, which, by the way, is the last resort in the diaper bag to keep baby happy)
and WAIT for the check.
Get the check and notice that you're not paying for any of the desserts or your burger.
Send the check back with your credit card.
and WAIT for it to come back. (while waiting play peek-a-boo with the napkin with the baby)
Go to sign the receipt and notice that the amount on the charge receipt is $10 more than the amount on the check.
Take the kids outside to wait (run around) and instruct your husband to deal with it.
Get in the car and wonder how the hell going to dinner early took TWO hours.
Option Two requires two hours.