Not Really My Style

Before Quinn was born I knew I wanted to breastfeed him. I didn't do much research and had a few friends tell me, "It hurts like hell." I did read one book that my sister-in-law gave me. It talked a lot about feeding on demand, not following the advice of getting the baby on a schedule, letting the baby sleep with you, and avoiding the Nasty Formula at all costs (pumping all the time). I couldn't imagine me living like this. I love schedules, never pictured sharing a bed with my children, and I couldn't imagine that formula was really that bad. But does that mean I shouldn't breastfeed? After Quinn was born I tried to breastfeed him and needed a lot of help from the lactation consultant - who would have known that I would be so thankful for someone grabbing my boobs, pushing the baby onto them, and then cheering us both on as if it were some type of Olympic sport. Little did I know that continuing to breastfeed could be considered just as tough as training for an Olympic event. Anyway, we finally got it down, or so I thought, and we were sent home to begin this parenting adventure on our own. The first few weeks are blurry (come on, that was over 3 years ago), but I will never forget the time Quinn slept for 7 or so hours. I swear I read to never wake a sleeping baby, but I guess we should have. Finally, we roused him awake and the little guy couldn't stay awake long enough to nurse, and wouldn't nurse - my boobs were so full and sore. We called the doctor in the middle of the night and was told to give him a bottle of formula "he's too tired and weak to work hard at nursing. Let him take a bottle, it's easier and will give him strength. He'll nurse again, I promise." (thank God they sent us home with some, I know some people think it's awful that they send formula home with a nursing mom, but for us it saved Mike a middle of the night trip to the store for formula for our baby that wouldn't wake up). I cried and cried after hearing that I'd have to give him a bottle. I was positive that once he had that bottle he would never nurse again. I cried while Mike put the bottle together, I cried while I gave him the bottle, and I cried when he was done and had a little milk dribbling down his cheek. "That's supposed to be my milk." Three hours later we woke him up again to feed him some more and I tried nursing again. And he did it! He nursed and nursed, burped, and then nursed some more. Those first few days of nursing was so hard and I remember I kept saying, "I'm just going to do this for 6 weeks." And soon I started saying, "Just 'til he's 3 months old." then, "I'll just keep doing this 'til he's 6 months old." After the beginning issues of trying to figure it all out I was then dealing with a lack of sleep and not being comfortable nursing in public or even in front of friends and family - so I was always going off to hide away and feed my baby. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed breastfeeding, so much so that at 6 months I said, "Well, I might as well keep doing this until he's a year." And when Quinn was 10 months old I sat down to nurse Quinn before bedtime and that little guy looked at my boob and screamed and screamed until I offered him a bottle. By that time we were down to just nursing once in the morning and once at night - and he had had enough. And that was okay with me. And did I have to follow the advice of nursing on demand, avoiding formula, sleeping with the baby, etc.? Absolutely not. I breastfed Quinn with my own personal style. After the first 4 months of feeding on demand, we introduced cereal and a schedule. (I love schedules). I nursed him in the morning, before naps, and at bedtime (when I was at work or school he'd get a bottle of formula or pumped milk, but I never worried about not pumping enough because I was confident in the formula). He never slept in our bed, but was next to us in a bassinet for those middle-of-the-night feedings. I never was able to nurse laying down, so it wouldn't have done me much good to have him next to me. And he was such a good sleeper (for those first 3 months, then he realized it was more fun to be held while he slept, but that's a whole 'nother story).

And then there's my Liam. I knew from the moment I was pregnant that I would breastfeed him. No questions about it this time - I knew from experience that I enjoy the process, the bonding, the special time just us - and was looking forward to it. After Liam was born I was able to hold him right away and tried nursing him right after the cleaned him up a bit. And that little guy took to it right away - we were pros! The lactation consultant checked in on us - cheered us on - Go Team! - and left us in peace. I never had trouble getting Liam to latch, never had to wake him up to feed him, and thought, "this is going to be easy!" Oh boy! Was I in for a surprise. Within a week or two we noticed that he was so much more fussy than Quinn ever was. Fussy all the time, and not just fussy, but we swore he was in pain. He'd pull his legs to his chest, cry, grunt, spit up, and then do this weird tongue thing were it looked as though he had a hair on his tongue that he was trying to get off. And he would never sleep for more than 2 hours - if that. He would cry all the time - I believe some people call that colic, but I was in denial - he was just fussy! I took him to the doctor and she thought he could have acid reflux and prescribed some medicine and told me to avoid dairy and chocolate. Two weeks later he was still so fussy and we had our 4 week check up. Different doctor this time, told us to keep up the medicine and told me I could eat chocolate, that shouldn't do it, but maybe try to avoid strawberries. That didn't help (and I wasn't eating much strawberries anyway, so WTF?). One night I needed to sleep and Mike gave him a bottle of formula. And this happened. Another trip to the doctor and this time a longer list of things to avoid and she sent me home with samples of Similic Alimentum and the suggestion to stop breastfeeding and just use this super-formula. Since knowing that Liam was probably my last baby and how much I enjoyed breastfeeding I said "no way." I took him to a chiropractor and was told to avoid wheat as well as dairy. I finally started looking to my friend, the Internet, for help with trying to figure out how to help my baby. And we decided to try anything. I started just eating rice, turkey, potatoes, and zucchini and guess what - three days later we noticed a huge difference in Liam's behavior. After that I would slowly add things to my diet and 9 months later I'm eating everything except for dairy. Though some days I'll even relax and eat the cheese that comes on my salad and all we notice with Liam is some extra gas, but he can handle it now. So many people have told me they couldn't have done it, and try to tell me how amazing it was that I made such a sacrifice for my baby. But that's not it. I don't mind formula; I wasn't doing this for the sake of my baby - that's just a nice side-effect. I do this for my sake. The feeling I get while nursing I cannot describe. The early morning nursing, the nursing in public (I've gotten better at that), the bedtime nursing - all melt my heart a little each time. That and sticking with a diet like that for someone else was easy for me - and helped me lose all my baby weight - from Quinn and Liam. And now I'm at a point with Liam were I want to start weaning the daytime nursing sessions - he barely eats much - and if I cut back to just the morning and night I can stop pumping. But as for when I'll wean him; I'm hoping he decides on his own when he's had enough...I keep saying at a year we'll stop, but honestly, I could see myself continuing the bedtime and morning feedings until at least 15 months. Who knows? This is something I can't plan out perfectly - I've just gotta go with the flow.

Tell your own (breast)feeding story. Bottle or breast share it with us at Sarcastic Mom.

****Updated. I need to add this: the only way I was able to do the elimination diet is because of my wonderful husband. He's the one that cooks and grocery shops and looked at this whole thing as a challenge. The turkey, rice, potatoes, etc. only last a few weeks - then we added salmon. Once we added salmon he was able to really make some great stuff. I couldn't imagine doing this if I had to cook meals for me and meals for my family. Somehow we made it work. So, thanks Mike.