How To Dine Out with a 3 year old and a 9 month old.

Prior to leaving for the restaurant:

Ask yourself the following questions: Did the baby take good naps? Did the kid take a good nap? Does it seem as though both are in fairly good moods? Did you shower this morning? Is Jupiter aligned with Mars? Are you feeling lucky? If you answered yes to all of the above proceed with your adventure.
Make sure you have the following in the "diaper" bag: However many jars of babyfood the baby normally eats plus 3 more. Disinfecting wipes to wipe down the table. A baby spoon. Bib. Diapers, wipes, blanket to lay baby on. Books for the older one. At least 5 little toys for the baby.

Decide on where you are going:

Prior to having children you could have decided on the way, or drove around for awhile. However now, you need to decide Right Now where you are going so that you can get there before the dinner rush so that you can get a table quicker.

Get the kids into the car:

Make sure the 3-year old goes potty. This is better if done BEFORE you put his/her coat on. After the child goes potty put his shoes, coat, hat, and mittens on and ask (tell) him/her to go and wait by the door. Now, get the baby into his/her coat and carry him around while you finish putting stuff into the diaper bag that you may have forgotten. Grab the bag, your purse, the hand of the 3 year old and work your way out the door. (Don't forget to give the dog a treat and close the gate to keep the dog in the kitchen away from all the yummy wooden toys.) Have the 3 year old wait while you put the baby into his/her car seat. Tickle the baby to get him/her to stop arching his/her back. Quick! Buckle the Baby in. Now, put the 3 year old in his/her car seat. Explain to the 3 year old that he does not need to arch his back - he knows better. He can just sit back and relax. Buckle the Kid in.

On the way to the restaurant:

Remind the 3 year old of proper restaurant behavior. "No, this restaurant will not have toys. Or a play place. Yes you can color, look at books, and yes you need to stay in your chair."

At the restaurant:

Ignore the fact that you apparently totally inconvenienced the hostess by walking into her restaurant with two kids and then asking for two high chairs and then telling her you only need one child's menu and giving back the other one even when told, "but he can just play with it." Settle into the table. Put the kids into their high chairs (make sure the baby is on your left side if you are right handed) and quickly look over the menu yourself while the kids are still distracted by the new environment. Give the baby toy 1 - watch the baby drop it to the floor. Decide what you're getting before the waitress arrives to take drink orders. Give the baby toy 2 - watch the baby drop it on the floor. Order drinks and your meals all at once. (Note: If your dining with someone younger than 3 who cannot wait that long for their food ask that they bring it out as soon as possible or with the salads.) Thank the waitress for picking up the toys. Now - feed the baby and occupy the kid with the books and crayons. After your salad arrives continuing feeding the baby with one hand and picking at your salad with the other (why you should seat the baby on your weaker-hand side - it's easier to feed a baby with the weak hand than it is to eat with the weak hand). Baby's done with baby food. Give the baby toy 3 - watch the baby drop it to the floor. Give the baby toy 4 - watch the baby drop it to the floor. Ask your husband how work was. Pick up the toys off of the floor. Give the baby toys 4 and 5 - watch the baby - my gosh - chew on one of the toys before dropping them both to the floor. Food arrives! Spread out the food on the kid's plate so that it can cool off. Ask your husband how work was - oh - you already asked that. Opps. Um, think of something else to talk about. Or not. Give the baby cheerios or puffs, or whatever it is that makes him/her happy - like the cloth napkin. Praise the 3 year old for eating so nicely (even if he/she is being a bit messy). Refill the pile of cheerios/puffs in front of the baby. Laugh with your husband as the baby very clearly makes a big ol' poop in his/her diaper - facial expressions and loud grunting noises included. Mouth "I'm sorry" to the older couple sitting close to you. Go and change the baby's diaper. Come back, give the baby more puffs, try to eat some of your food. (Yum!) At the waitresses first visit back let her know everything is wonderful and you would like the check. Pay the check before finishing so that you can assure a quick exit - should the need arise. Continue eating. Continue praising/helping the kid. Continue putting puffs/cheerios in front of the baby. Continue talking with your husband (you've been doing, this right) - now you can talk about your food. As the waitress picks up the check ask for boxes (so that you can make a quick exit - should you need to). Finish eating. and continue talking until the baby gets fussy and the kid decides he's eaten enough. (If you're lucky these two things will happen at the same time or the kid will decide he's done before the baby gets fussy. If you're not lucky the baby will get fussy way sooner than your older one thinks he's finished and one of the adults will have to walk around the entrance area of the restaurant.) Pack up your leftovers, say no thanks to dessert (tip the waitress even more if instead of asking if you want dessert she asks, "can I get you anything else?"), pack up the bag - don't forget the spoon (I always forget the baby spoon), put the kid in his coat, put your coat on, put the baby's coat on, grab your purse, the bag, the leftovers, your kid's hand, the baby, and head out the door. Go ahead and shoot the hostess that was totally inconvenienced by your arrival a look that says, "See, they were fine."

Have your husband put the kid in the car seat. Put the baby in his car seat. Tickle the baby to get him to stop arching his back. Buckle him in quick. Get in the car. Lean over towards your husband and say, "Happy Anniversary, sweetie" and give him a quick kiss - before the baby starts crying because it's past his bedtime. Drive home and prepare yourself for the bedtime routines.

You can do this - or - you know - get a babysitter. Either way.